Friday, February 19, 2010

Unspeaking things.

I always have so much to say, but the words are locked up in my heart and never find their way out of my mouth. They get stuck halfway up my throat, and I always swallow them back down. My voice is so flimsy and weak, it never says what I want it to. I still hope people understand what I'm trying to convey. They never do.(andrew hefter photography)

Maybe I'm the only one who talks in riddles and never says what I mean. Maybe I'm the only one who makes people decode their conversations with me to get inside my head, the only one who sees secrets in sentences that don't exist. Maybe that's why I often find myself all alone.
And nearly every time that I do say what is on my mind, it's never the right thing to say and I want to unspeak it. It's so easy to say what I feel like saying on my blog, but when I talk to people that matter, my mind whirs a million miles a minute while my lips freeze. Everything I need to say spills through a filter between my brain and my voice, and so little gets through.
Why is it so hard for me to speak?

Jenny, did it hurt to stick all that tape on your face in the first photo?

Yes. But one must make sacrifices for art.

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